I sometimes wonder, actually quite frequently, what am i doin. Im hoping for something that i OBVIOUSLY know is not goin to happen, yet i still stupidly ask. Maybe i shuld start my plans on giving up on hoping. Spend my energy and hope on other things.

Now there are so many choices that i have to make. A big decision in life. What course i want to take in uni and which uni. Whether i want to go to korea alone (since everyone is busy working or busy ignoring me). Both i do not want to make decisions that i will regret. 

For uni, what i want is different from what im good at and is different from what is potentially good for me in the future. So u can imagine how much choices i have to make. Worst of all i probably haf to make a decision by this wkend otherwise i'll juz keep procrastinating. 

For the korea trip, lets just face the facts. Sooner or later(hopefully later) snsd will haf to stop performing. They haf their own personal lives to live. Jessica will soon get married and haf her own family. (Which some fans say that she hinted that she has a boyfriend from radiostar). I know it will happen sooner or later, so as a fan i want her and the rest of the girls to be happy and have their own family. Therefore before all this happens i want to go to korea and really experience what a fan shuld experience. The airports. The fansigns. The events. The schedules. The waiting outside SM. The goin to music shows. The concerts. All may seem retarded and stupid to other ppl but to me it is what makes me a fan. And as a fan i want to be able to support them in person and not juz spazzing in front of a screen which all international fans do. Can u imagine the ratio of actual fans at music shows compared to those behind computers cheering for snsd and spamming twitter. All my friends who are not fans, (Actually i dont think im considered a HARDCORE fan, im juz a more enthu than average fan, those who think im hardcore certainly hasnt seen my twitter tl) do not understand what im goin through and i believe they think im siao and overly exaggerating. But im serious to say when i saw the vid of taeyeon being dragged off stage by a crazed fan during a perf, i was seriously worried and scared for her. I rmb quite clearly that was during o lvl period somemore. After watching that vid i culdnt friggin concentrate at all. So i ended up not studying for the next few hrs. And that was friggin right before o lvl started, like the break wk. then recently when news of jessica being pushed by security and her knocking onto the pole/rail and fainting came out, i was beyond worried. And u culd say i felt like bashing the guy up. Im sure a lot of fans feel the same. They want to protect all of the members. But i feel like im not doin much by juz staying here...i want to be there. Yaknow looking at al the fansites and their masters. I wonder what makes them so, selfless. Doin it all for fans, esp international ones who cant be there personally. It makes me feel like being one. I wuld be able to be there for soshi and also help fans. I have to make a decision...i get the feeling i'll regret not going. 

My Ice Princess, this CASTLE is for you.

-Knight.